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OPINION: In competition between spouses, everyone loses

June 7th 2:49 pm | Christian Muntean Print this article   Email this article   Create a Shortlink for this article

(Editor's note: Workplace Solutions is a semi-monthly column that will answer questions about how best to handle community/workplace/organizational conflicts.)

Q: I know a married couple that is having problems. The wife looks to her family for support. Her family naturally supports her despite the legitimate perspective and claims of her husband. Eventually, if the husband cannot find his own coalition or support, he will remain outnumbered and will find it difficult to reconcile because now they have a tremendous amount of scrutiny and opposition. This is more so than if his wife didn't create a strong coalition with her own family. The wife's family members have a very strong position in how the conflict is resolved, or if it is resolved. What should he do?

A: The family situation sounds very frustrating. Even more so because where the couple should be partners - they are in competition. The tough truth is — no one can win this kind of competition. The marriage loses.

First of all, it sounds like communication is poor in the relationship. Secondly, the family has allowed itself to be splintered into factions. It is unlikely that the scenario described is a new one. It is more likely that it is a recent symptom of ongoing poor communication and internal competition over "who is right" within the family. Both of these situations are extremely dangerous for the health of the family. Even though it may not be immediately apparent - both partners have responsibility in creating the dynamics that currently exist.

Also, neither spouse is helping the relationship by pursuing a 'coalition' outside of the marriage. Support — for communication, clear thinking, processing may be helpful. But if you want to protect the marriage, the only coalition that should be allowed is the original coalition of the marriage. The husband should not build his own coalition against his wife. They'll both lose.

One of the partners will need to take the higher road and just stop playing the game. This is different than falsely giving in and pretending to accept that "I'm wrong, you're right." Stopping the game means deciding what is more important — winning an argument or building a marriage. If the husband chooses to build the marriage — he can begin by affirming his relationship with his spouse and letting her know (through words and actions) that she is more important than this issue.

However, the issue still may need to be discussed. Here are some steps anyone can take that help in situations like this.

Prepare yourself

• Making sure your heart is in the right place. How would you like to be treated?

• Make sure you have your facts right. Most conflicts are built on or expanded by assumptions. Assumptions are frequently wrong.

• At the deepest place - what are the real issues for you in this situation? Being honest with yourself, what do you really want? Most people want at least one of three things: To feel significant, secure or satisfied in some way. None of those things are wrong - until we begin to demand that our desires are met. Then things get messy.

Affirm your relationship with your spouse

Let your spouse know that your commitment to "original coalition" is not going to be shaken by this discussion. Remove the fear that is created by conflict when people think they are entering a win/lose situation.

Understand where your spouse is coming from

Listen with curiosity & compassion. Not as an investigator or negotiator. If you can be curious about what your spouse really wants - it helps the conversation move deeper towards what is really going on. Are you both looking for some form of significance, security or satisfaction?

Search for solutions

Be creative, be open and explore options. You should both be feeling safer with each other now and have a better understanding of what is really concerning each other - what solutions might exist that would work for both of you? You aren't making a decision at the point - you are just trying to think outside of the boxes you've built during the argument.

Evaluate the options objectively and reasonably

What solution, genuinely works the best and feels acceptable to the two of you?

If all else fails

Find someone that will help you find a solution as a couple - not as competitors.


Christian Muntean is a local management consultant, mediator and trainer. He works with communities, Native organizations, businesses, nonprofits and churches throughout Alaska. Questions for his column may be emailed to: mediate@beyond-borders.com or mailed to: Beyond Borders, 6921 Brayton Drive, Suite 203, Anchorage 99507

 


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