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OPINION: Changing the tone with a moody co-worker

May 26th 1:28 pm | Christian Muntean Print this article   Email this article   Create a Shortlink for this article

Editor's note: Workplace Solutions is a semi-monthly column that will answer questions about how best to handle community/workplace/organizational conflicts.

Q: "One of the members of our staff is incredibly moody. She has a great deal of responsibility within the organization, and interacts with all of the staff pretty regularly. When she is in a good mood, she is a joy to be around —but when she stresses out (particularly around work deadlines) she makes life difficult for everyone around her. Staff members have tried to tactfully let her know how her personality shifts adversely affect others, but it has had little effect. How can we work through this?"

A: Set good boundaries with her. She either doesn't know how to change or doesn't care enough to change. Since your response should be the same either way — let's assume the best of her and say she doesn't know how to make the changes. You'll need to show her.

Setting boundaries can feel strange but it is very powerful. It helps if we remember why we set boundaries. They aren't about punishment or getting back at the other person. Healthy boundaries actually help us maintain and grow good relationships. They are an appropriate way to show others how to respect you.

There are four different ways that people violate their own boundaries and the boundaries of others:

• Controllers. They don't pay attention to the concerns or boundaries in others lives. They view people as a way to get what they want — and will use others through intimidation or manipulation.

• Pleasers. They don't pay attention to their own concerns or boundaries. They often feel guilty for other people's situations or actions. They let themselves be controlled.

• Loners. These people don't know how to meet their needs in appropriate ways. They may not even be aware of their needs. Their boundaries are poor because they keep good relationships out.

• Tough Guys & Girls. These people set boundaries against recognizing the needs of other or offering appropriate care to others.

Most often, each of us is actually a composite of the above. But we usually have a preferred way of behaving.

A scenario that often happens is that Controllers and Pleasers match up. Controllers are used to being given the freedom to act how they want, when they want. Pleasers give them that freedom. Neither of them are doing a favor to the other.

Here is how to go to someone to set good boundaries:

• Validate the relationship. This means let them know the relationship is important to you. They are still a valued friend or co-worker. Let them know what you value about them. This helps the other person listen better and be less defensive.

• Identify the situation where there is a problem. In your situation we know that when this staff member is facing deadlines, they get stressed and begin to treat you poorly.

Set your boundaries: How would you like to be treated? Be specific.

What will you do if you are not treated that way?

Communicate your boundaries: Let the person know how you'd like to be treated and what you will do when not treated that way.

Here is an example. You can go to your co-worker and say something like this:

(Validate the relationship) "You know, I really respect you and appreciate the work that you do around here. You offer a lot to this organization. In particular, I appreciate the way that you are able to help us get projects done on time with such high quality."

(Identify the problem) "However, when there is a deadline, I've noticed that you seem to get stressed. Sometimes, I feel that you have been very impatient and sometimes sarcastic and critical towards me. I value our relationship and normally enjoy working with you - but after some of these experiences it is becoming harder for me to want to be around you — particularly if I know a deadline is coming."

(Communicate your boundaries) "I do want to continue to have a good relationship with you. Here is what I need so I feel respected and we can work together:

I need to know a week in advance before you need something from me. Otherwise you can't expect that I will have time to do it.

I won't accept sarcasm or critical comments. If you do this, I will just stop the conversation and leave the room. You are welcome to come back to me, after an hour, and restart the conversation if you can do it without being critical.

Whenever communicating something like this, it is very important to try to validate the other person, clearly explain what the problem is and explain what changes you would like to see.

This may feel a little awkward — but if you communicate your boundaries in a friendly way and then stick to them — it frequently make a difference. Eventually, not only does it stop feeling awkward, but you usually find you are being treated with more respect.


Christian Muntean is a local management consultant, mediator and trainer. He works with communities, Native organizations, businesses, nonprofits and churches throughout Alaska. Questions for his column may be emailed to: mediate@beyond-borders.com or mailed to: Beyond Borders, 6921 Brayton Drive, Suite 203, Anchorage 99507

 


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